~An Opening For The Closing~

An opening...
An opening for today.
If only for a close and wipe the tears away.
This ceiling eats away at me,
With raised palm.
I'm the one stuck in the fans...
Yet remaining calm.
To hear a song,
If not my favorite it brings me back.
So in these conversations I attain the right to use tact.

Lacked whats back,
Remain the order to these facts.
Yet different, and more.
Stars stream away the time,
That I forget isn't soley mine.
Blind the author, and set him straight.
Wet flicks upon my shoulders,
That chills can't imitate.

These chills...
Oh man these chills I've been amongst this whole time.
Up my back they register to my spine.
Tingling, to stir the butterflies within my gut.
I've been a stranger to these feelings inside this rut.

I fly beneath the people I've hated for so long.
I'd be reapeting myself to tell you how I feel so strong.

Rip away these ceilings above me if I can.
Because It's such a lonely place below my fan.
And these chills won't meet me when I'm here.
Because these chills only meet me when you're near.

(again I have the utmost joy to tell ya'll how proud I am that this is yet another opening poem to a new year! This site has grown. and concidering all the poems I had before, and all the ones I archived when I upgraded this site, and all the ones I've edited through time... This idea sparked by Nick has been one of the largest works of art I've had the pleasure to create. and it keeps growing. although I've come through some hard spots for some reason it keeps growing.
And I'm happy that I've been able to create this... and also happy that although there may be very few... that I have some readers! thanks for taking the time to read my poetry! although it may not mean as much to you... it means the world to me!)

~Behold~

White lines got me awake.
I've tasted the wine but I prefer the cake.
If only for love's sake.

Because I've found the end of dawn.
The sunset for this day.
I've rolled through so many towns...
But something here makes me stay.

If only for awhle,
Show me what could be.
Because I've been pulled down so much...
In dark waters I can't see.

To bloom a rose,
Of sweet love's pose.
Life's been a poser to me.
But the night blots out my misery.
All my past misery.

Because I see your form.
White line free.
So I breath in this moment...
That lasts an eternity.

You assure me.
Move me.
Hold me.
Show me...

That life's been a traitor to me.

I behold you.
In the night,
I behold you.
As you calm my inner fight.
I behold you.

As you give me peace...
I hold you.
As the waters calm,
I taste balm...
And I hold you.

~Reverse Rolls~

Tug a finger to my drug of choice.
Vannila on the bottle.
Wish lies were made as easy.

Seven...
The number of completion.
To hide the passion that I crave.
Because I'm never whole without my other half.
The man I lost so long ago.
To crave the innocence of my past days.
To crave those gut stinging scars of old.

My dreams have become so clear now.
No longer black and green *1.
With colors that show the redness of blood.
The redness of my mistakes...
Wine drenched lips of color.
Beer bludgeoned deeds of another truth to recover.
To uncover.

Uglier things then me have told the truth.
I can't hide from my past.
Or find solace in a lie.
But I've tied my laces.
In hopes no rain would find me on my path.
Yet all this running leaves my insides drenched.

I've stopped my screaming when I wake *2.
And move in closer to you.
All those times when my thoughts catch up to me.
I stifle my shouts...
Because I smell you.
Deep breaths of your shampoo...
That heavenly smell is all over you.

And all this time I fear the simple things I've never told you.
All those things I've made me do.
Can a man stifle his shouts as he self dismembers?
Half a beat to a broken heart...
I fear I'll never find.
Could anyone help me in a quest thats soley mine?

Step to another door thats closed.
Sooner or later all these things you'll expose.
And I fear the more you won't want me.
Bruised, abused, and all but wholy used.
I fear you'll toss me aside.
So I keep myself hidden inside...

And I tug a finger to my drug of choice.
The label of vannila.
But the bottles black as sin.



*1 Refer to "~My Green Dream~" July 2006
*2 Refer to "~What If~" March 2005

~Red Highway/Dead Highway~

The nights getting late.
There... I've said it again.
I head out the gate,
While the cold air sets in.

I'm breathing out smoke.
As I'm driving to the pumps.
5 worth then I'm broke.
And silence is broken by two lumps.

These red roads have claimed alot.
My hopes, my dreams, my tears.
I've seen a few things die.
While traveling these few years.
But these roads hold so much life.
At least for me It's true.
Although the cold cuts like a knife...
Red roads are say'n I'm due.

- Pave my way...
- Pave it black, and pave it true...
- Lay down the paint...
- And cement the markers too...
- Warm up with the sun...
- And when the night time comes...
- I'll be wait'n for that ride home...
- Between her house and mine...
- Oh Those red roads...
- Those dead roads...
- So full of life!...
- So full of life...

Slain With His Kindness

I come with expectant, longing affections
drawn to a fountain, it never runs dry
I'm longing for new bread
I'm craving abundance
fully expecting Your Spirit to pour out and slay me with kindness
Fill my eager cup, I raise it crawling
spilling, stumbling, begging
fill me anew, fill me with Jesus, fill me with wisdom
fill me with love, fill me with Jesus

~My Shame~


I pretend I'm satisfied with this life.
I smile and cover my shame.
But I'm the only one to blame.

I've had my chance.
I've drawn the line.
Only to haze the edges.

Welcome to my shame.

I can't commit to much.
Even the softest of touch.
I've given up on hope.

Today is a symphony to a new start...
That I'll just screw and rip apart.

Welcome to my shame.

(Oh God! I know you didn't promise me crap... but I'm at the end of my rope. I'm struggling here)

~10 Steps Behind You~
That night was ours.
I had you and 6.
On rooftops we danced for hours.
Hair and wind in mix.
You were mine...
For just one night.

Now in the moonlight I can see...
10 steps behind you.
Only close enough to notice how far you've kept me.
Because I'll always be there for you.
But I'll never be there for you.

Summer and winter,
We're two endless seasons.
Hand to splinter,
I can't find any reasons.

To tell you...
How you test my patients.
You're the only one to crawl under my skin.
To hollow out the veins within.
Life blood drain...
You've kept my heart in constant pain.

Tease me with a rubber-band.
I'm yours to cuddle.
And all my words would land...
If you only wouldn't rebuttal.

But you can never take a compliment can you?
*sigh*

Now here I am again...
10 steps behind you.
Only close enough to notice how far you've kept me.
Because I'll always be there for you.
But I'll never be there for you.
God I wish you'd let me be there for you!

(For Jacklyn R.)

~Cigar Relationships~

Man she loves this dating game.
Mainly "cause It's good
To add a little spice to the life she's been through.
And every guy exagerates a tiny little bit
To make his lie sound more real then it really is.
But he can't appear "weak" man...
She wants to hear "meek" man...
She wants to hear how you came up from the streets.
Don't take it as sarcastic.
She can't get enough.
I'm telling you, don't call her bluff if you ain't got the stuff.
Because she really does need it.
She's not even ashamed.
She's got too much reality filling up her brain.
And I'm telling you right now...
She's addicted to this game.
Just pack'n it like a ciggerate,
She'll light it up man!

-Chorus-
It's just like a ciggerate...
It's something that she'll do...
Once in awhile,
But between me and you...
It's just like a ciggerate...
She's not really a fool.
She don't want the truth...
She just wants to be some one's tool.

Let me tell you something that I've realized tonight.
Her dates are more like marlboro light.
They're both telling stories and sound about the same.
Ciggerates say they're really safe...
Her dates claim about the same.
She don't really care if It's the truth,
Even though she frowns.
She doesn't really believe the words,
She just loves the way it sounds.
She's acting like a fool,
While they're lying to her face.
Maybe she is a fool,
Becuase sometimes she buys it anyways.

She's running out to get the next.
This year that makes three.
She'll suck it up to lies, "love", but mainly glee.
The same way she would suck in all those stories
When she breaths
In that little bit of death that supposedly "cancer free".
And everything they say has her twisted up.
And twisted up what she wants...
She can't get enough!
Because even though she knows It's just a big bluff...
She just lights another up...
Man she don't give a Fu**!

-Chorus x2-

~Work In Progress~ (~Ant Farm~)

He's there once again.
Trying to piece together the fragments.
His life is broken glass...
Empty chairs...
Rumaging through ones and "Oh's"...
Trying to make a two.
Trying to make it too.
And these glimpses of beautiful wonderful things,
Startle him in his dreams.
He'd have to scan back years for his innocence.
There's not much light in his twighlight world.
Wouldn't bet a dollar if the sun is real...
Or maybe just phantom memories more beautiful then anything his world could produce.

That deep hole...
Yeah that deep hole...
Old gripping soul casting down that deep hole.
...
It grips the legs and carries the body down to the depths...
While the memories dissapear like sand blown through the streets.
Won't remember having them...
Won't remember the sun.
Won't give a buck to bet It's true.

Dismayed from displays of fitfull days...
But oh Lord,
Still so stubborn!
He'll never give up the dreams he's fought so long to keep.
Cling and claw... you'll lose them all.
While the street accepts bodies that sprawl.
This same old familiar street.
It hold so much of his blood.

Life is a fool to trust so much to this man...
And I'm a fool to know him.
But this isn't the end.
Lord knows this isn't the end.
This man will keep taking and taking these tokens...
Because ant farms were made to be broken.

~Shiloh~

Shiloh.. all you wanted.
Shiloh.. all you needed!
I was surrounded by you in all that I do.
Never again. never again!

My skeletons in my closet.
Decaying human spirit.
I've slain Shiloh to hide my grief...
I've hardened heart.

I can shove it down, and still live...
So why not?
I'll cork it up and throw away the bottle.
Then grab the bottle and down goes my dreams.
I've slain Shiloh to hide emotions.
I'll hide this feather... I'll hide this bare chair.
I'll hide anything if it threatens a glare.

And you don't care.
Hell... you helped me cut his throat.
You've helped me move his body to my closet.
You've helped tear his limbs from his chest,
Just to mail them to your friends.

Surprised? Oh.. you don't remember?
You were there.
And if so... why glare at me when I write this?
Why take the time to see how I'm doing?
How I'm acting?
If I'm behaving maybe?
Do I fit in this cookie cutter world you've been raised in?
Am I another suit and tie with combed hair to bring home to your parents?
Yeah I'll provide a living but listen to your parents... "I'm dangerous!"
"I'm a rebel."
"Watch out for the man with the tattoo and buzzed head dear."
"Chances are he's a Nazi rights activist."
"He carries a gun! what's he planning?"
"No good" they'll suspect.

I've murdered Shiloh!
You were there.
He was our best friend.. remember?
I loved Shiloh. But he couldn't keep his mouth shut could he?
All for naught. I don't blame you...
Although you took the first slice.
Cut away his purity... you cut away his pride!
Now you ask yourself... your mom... your dad... your friend... even me...
"What happened to you Cody?"
Well you see... you never knew me. You never knew this man named Cody,
Because he was hidden in the man you knew as Shiloh.

Shiloh was all you wanted!
Shiloh was all you needed!
Shiloh the man that was wasted!
Shiloh... The man that is now Cody.
Shiloh... The one we murdered to hide our own insecurities.
You will always remember!
We will ALWAYS remember!


(I refer to Shiloh in the poem as the peaceful side to myself. My loving side. The one who always gave with never asking. I've seen there are always two sides to a man... every man. one loving, one hating. With the help of many people, I've killed the one who was loving. And all I seem to have left is this person who hates, and bottles up his emotions. Those emotions meant to be processed by Shiloh. And what gets me the most is I know some of these people (and other) are going to look at this and take apart every freak'n last little tiny itty bitty word and go over and over with it in their heads. but I can save you ALL that trouble by summing up EXACTLY what you were going to say to yourselves after thinking about this poem/letter for so long... let me do that right now...
"Wow... looks like Cody is getting worse and worse. he's changed a lot! and I don't think I like this person he has become. I really hope he settles down soon, and gets back to the same good sweet boy he always was, because right now... he seems down right crazy and wild. that boy needs some God right now."
Now let me give you my opinion... I've lost EVERYTHING I have hoped to gain by being the good person... by always giving and never asking. there is NOTHING God in his infinite mercy and grace will do to make me see this differently. so In reference to what you will say (but I have taken the liberty to say for you instead)
I don't give a damn. And to all those people who have quietly let me down, and forcefully cut my throat... good day)

~The Evaporating Girl~

She has been poured out among them.
The makeup of a woman "unreachable".
A pool of living deeds, and sacrafices,
That make her so beautiful

A million men reach,
But she drips through each finger.
With only her perfume to linger.

She's the evaporating girl.
She could be the one of my dreams.
The woman of transformation.
She's in the air I breath...
Strengthening me.

She is the evaporating woman...
And I seek to net the wind...
To catch my ever changing, rearranging, evaporating woman.

~The Heart Of The Hardened~

Who can yield the heart of the hardened?
The men who live their life in full grasp...
Clinging to every color in the illusion the world offers.

Because what is life...
But what everyone has?
Nothing special.
Only made out of the blood of the immortal.

Who can yield the heart of the hardened?
Who can melt the soul of the undead?
Lying on the bottom...
Only two tokens can cure.
...And one inaudible.

God! help the man who has forgotton how to hear you.

One more chance remains.
One more token to receive.
And you would let it fail again.
And his life of pain will remain.

:Hate Me: (by Blue October)

(2nd verse)
I’m sober now for 3 whole months.
It’s one accomplishment that you helped me with.
The one thing that always tore us apart
is the one thing I won’t touch again.
In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night.
While I was busy waging wars on myself,
you were trying to stop the fight.
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate.
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take.
So I’ll drive so fu**in far away that I never cross your mind.
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind.

(chorus end)
Hate me today.
Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you.
Hate me in ways.
Yeah ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you.

(3rd verse)
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave.
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made.
And like a baby boy I never was a man.
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand.
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine,
just like it used to be.
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today.
Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you.
Hate me in ways.
Yeah ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you.

(This is to the person I recently had an argument with. I know she doesn't know that awhile back she saved my virginity from just one phone call. One innocent phone call just to check up on me, and see how I was doing. Now she asks me why I care so much about her... It's not so much that I care about her for other reasons as it is that she has saved me from more heartache in my life then she knows. So I know It's not my job to care, and I guess maybe I shouldn't... but how can I not care about some one who I owe so much to? Sure we have our fights.. who doesn't? And you might get mad, and I might get mad... but I want you to know... I'll always be here, for whatever you need. Even if you decide one day to never talk to me again)

~My Green Dream~

I dream in colors of black and green.
Faded, Tained... My green dreams.

I envy the Nile.
The beginners trust,
The old fools folly.
All for what?

Lamenting questions...
Another dream?
Another chance?
Another life?

And yet upon unwrapped joy from the host of life...
The same da** mistakes I make!
And now I've fallen twice.

~Nice Guys Finish Last~

We've walked that road together for years,
Through the rain, snow, laughter, and tears.
We've shared the only light we've ever had.
Just to shed some on this dusty path.
I've grabbed your hand, and you've grabbed mine.
We've Saved each other through these trying times.
We've held hands when we've tromped through the snow,
But when it got easy... For some reason we never truely let go.

Because I had you,
All through this time.
I had you...
But you were never mine.

It just doesn't add up...
You do the math,
How come we can't find each other,
When we're The only two on this path?

(A kiss on the forehead? It's the best compliment I've ever had. To think that some one shared a portion of what I've felt From them. The most meaningful relationship I've ever had. The most meaningfull Kiss I've ever had... And both the shortest. Not because of that But because it meant something. Some times I think about my future wife (who ever she would be)... And hope she doesn't get mad when she asks if I ever loved anyone before her. Because I would have to tell her the truth, That honestly I have)
(I suppose it must be true. Nice guys do finish last... which is encouragement to be bad)

~My "Gold"~

Oh Pactolus...
Pactolus...
Grant me one wish.
For I've sent your friend Silenus to you in good spirits.
One wish I have,
And I'm so certain of it.
Oh Pactolus grant me my gold.
My acres of sin.
Grant me this pleasure.
This ache...
This yellow tin.

A touch from this arm,
This joint,
This finger.
A touch from this hand...
And my god will linger.

Oh Pactolus Grant me my gift.
Pactolus...
Grant me one wish!

...What have I done?!?

Dip me in Dionysus...
I'll leave it this scar.
Which I can see from my window,
This gleam from afar.
Wash me over,
and give me health.
Save me from my greif...
Save me from myself.

~Love Is Just Some People Talking~

Have my lips tasted sweeter fruit?
The passing of one moment And I've stolen a thousand kings loot.
One instant and the world a million times spins.
The only thing I feel Is my heavy, shaking limbs.

But it was an instant.
It was cold, and then hot.
And it only waited for me...
To become something I was not.







Shake me like the rest.
There are no more digits to wiggle down.
I've never become the thing you wanted.
Because I can never become what you've deemed me "unable".
I can only be all I'm able.
And I'm so willing.


And love?
Well baby for me, thats just something to talk about.
A conversation peice to label the reason why I cry...
Alone.

Light me up with glee and watch me set off.
I've blown up in your face a thousand times too many.
But all this time you come back to me with that one word.
Can this be?
Can this be...
That all my falling on my knees would count for something?
It's too much to ask in faith.

You don't hold the keys,
Because you never asked for them.
It's just another chink in your armor.
The gleam that glitters so silently blinding you.
I was blinding myself too.
I've offered that dirty cloak so many times before.
I'll lay it before the prideful's feet.
And I'll solemly swear that anothers won't pass my lips.
And I won't share this life with anyone...
Until I've been given convincing word.

I've told you once...
I've told you twice...
And here's the third.
Ask anything of me...
Anything of me!
And give in equally of yours.

......
yeah... I've had a bad life too my friend.
Some times I guess we just need to fall before we find our feet.

~I Am~

I am the sickness in your gut.
The tear in your eye.
I am the mud in your rut.
The words that you lie.
I am the plans that you made.
The same plans that will fade.
I am the torture from your friend.
The arrow in the path.
I am the war from within.
The shadow from the wrath.

I am your pains, your fears, your trouble, and your tears.
I am your life.
I am your life.

~Daddy's Little Girl~

She's a princess...
Her daddy told her so.
As he held her tight,
Just watching her grow.

She's beautiful!
Her daddy said "It's true!"
As he held her tight.
Amazed how she grew.

She's a woman.
Her daddy wispered now.
As he hugged her a bit looser.
Sat back, and said "wow".

Because daddy's hands are big enough to hold your world.
Daddy's hands are gentle enough for this little girl.
She dances for him in the living room, with her sister in twirl.
Because daddy's hands are big enough to hold your world.

Twenty one years old.
Her life is on It's way.
Daddy's a little older.
A bit more gray.
Still holds her when he can.
Though times a bit more rare.
But he'll always be that man...
With which no one can compare.

Because daddy's hands are still big enough to hold your world.
Daddy's hands are strong enough for this older girl.
She dances in his mind, with her sister in twirl.
And daddy's hands are still big enough to hold your world.
Daddy's hands will always hold your world.

I wish my hands were just like his.
I wish my hands could hold a world so lightly.
And yet hold a heart so tightly.........................

(For Jacklyn)

~Just Give Me Five Minutes~

Five minutes...
Just let me walk out your door.
And tred on your lawn.
Five minutes...
Just let me drive some more.
Now the feelings gone.

I stormed out mad...
And I said "I'm outtie!"
I stormed out mad...
Leaving you a little pouty.

Just give me five minutes...
And I'll drive a little, Call you back,
And apologize.
Because I just need five minutes...
To remind myself...
You're more precious then you realize.

All I want is five mintues...
To drive back, hold you and love you!
But all I get is 5 minutes...
To explain what I told you, and hug you.

Is my five mintues too much to ask?
Don't let me make you mad.
Let me in your life!
I could be the best you've ever had.