:Hate Me: (by Blue October)

(2nd verse)
I’m sober now for 3 whole months.
It’s one accomplishment that you helped me with.
The one thing that always tore us apart
is the one thing I won’t touch again.
In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night.
While I was busy waging wars on myself,
you were trying to stop the fight.
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate.
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take.
So I’ll drive so fu**in far away that I never cross your mind.
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind.

(chorus end)
Hate me today.
Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you.
Hate me in ways.
Yeah ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you.

(3rd verse)
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave.
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made.
And like a baby boy I never was a man.
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand.
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine,
just like it used to be.
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today.
Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you.
Hate me in ways.
Yeah ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you.

(This is to the person I recently had an argument with. I know she doesn't know that awhile back she saved my virginity from just one phone call. One innocent phone call just to check up on me, and see how I was doing. Now she asks me why I care so much about her... It's not so much that I care about her for other reasons as it is that she has saved me from more heartache in my life then she knows. So I know It's not my job to care, and I guess maybe I shouldn't... but how can I not care about some one who I owe so much to? Sure we have our fights.. who doesn't? And you might get mad, and I might get mad... but I want you to know... I'll always be here, for whatever you need. Even if you decide one day to never talk to me again)

~My Green Dream~

I dream in colors of black and green.
Faded, Tained... My green dreams.

I envy the Nile.
The beginners trust,
The old fools folly.
All for what?

Lamenting questions...
Another dream?
Another chance?
Another life?

And yet upon unwrapped joy from the host of life...
The same da** mistakes I make!
And now I've fallen twice.

~Nice Guys Finish Last~

We've walked that road together for years,
Through the rain, snow, laughter, and tears.
We've shared the only light we've ever had.
Just to shed some on this dusty path.
I've grabbed your hand, and you've grabbed mine.
We've Saved each other through these trying times.
We've held hands when we've tromped through the snow,
But when it got easy... For some reason we never truely let go.

Because I had you,
All through this time.
I had you...
But you were never mine.

It just doesn't add up...
You do the math,
How come we can't find each other,
When we're The only two on this path?

(A kiss on the forehead? It's the best compliment I've ever had. To think that some one shared a portion of what I've felt From them. The most meaningful relationship I've ever had. The most meaningfull Kiss I've ever had... And both the shortest. Not because of that But because it meant something. Some times I think about my future wife (who ever she would be)... And hope she doesn't get mad when she asks if I ever loved anyone before her. Because I would have to tell her the truth, That honestly I have)
(I suppose it must be true. Nice guys do finish last... which is encouragement to be bad)

~My "Gold"~

Oh Pactolus...
Pactolus...
Grant me one wish.
For I've sent your friend Silenus to you in good spirits.
One wish I have,
And I'm so certain of it.
Oh Pactolus grant me my gold.
My acres of sin.
Grant me this pleasure.
This ache...
This yellow tin.

A touch from this arm,
This joint,
This finger.
A touch from this hand...
And my god will linger.

Oh Pactolus Grant me my gift.
Pactolus...
Grant me one wish!

...What have I done?!?

Dip me in Dionysus...
I'll leave it this scar.
Which I can see from my window,
This gleam from afar.
Wash me over,
and give me health.
Save me from my greif...
Save me from myself.

~Love Is Just Some People Talking~

Have my lips tasted sweeter fruit?
The passing of one moment And I've stolen a thousand kings loot.
One instant and the world a million times spins.
The only thing I feel Is my heavy, shaking limbs.

But it was an instant.
It was cold, and then hot.
And it only waited for me...
To become something I was not.







Shake me like the rest.
There are no more digits to wiggle down.
I've never become the thing you wanted.
Because I can never become what you've deemed me "unable".
I can only be all I'm able.
And I'm so willing.


And love?
Well baby for me, thats just something to talk about.
A conversation peice to label the reason why I cry...
Alone.

Light me up with glee and watch me set off.
I've blown up in your face a thousand times too many.
But all this time you come back to me with that one word.
Can this be?
Can this be...
That all my falling on my knees would count for something?
It's too much to ask in faith.

You don't hold the keys,
Because you never asked for them.
It's just another chink in your armor.
The gleam that glitters so silently blinding you.
I was blinding myself too.
I've offered that dirty cloak so many times before.
I'll lay it before the prideful's feet.
And I'll solemly swear that anothers won't pass my lips.
And I won't share this life with anyone...
Until I've been given convincing word.

I've told you once...
I've told you twice...
And here's the third.
Ask anything of me...
Anything of me!
And give in equally of yours.

......
yeah... I've had a bad life too my friend.
Some times I guess we just need to fall before we find our feet.

~I Am~

I am the sickness in your gut.
The tear in your eye.
I am the mud in your rut.
The words that you lie.
I am the plans that you made.
The same plans that will fade.
I am the torture from your friend.
The arrow in the path.
I am the war from within.
The shadow from the wrath.

I am your pains, your fears, your trouble, and your tears.
I am your life.
I am your life.

~Daddy's Little Girl~

She's a princess...
Her daddy told her so.
As he held her tight,
Just watching her grow.

She's beautiful!
Her daddy said "It's true!"
As he held her tight.
Amazed how she grew.

She's a woman.
Her daddy wispered now.
As he hugged her a bit looser.
Sat back, and said "wow".

Because daddy's hands are big enough to hold your world.
Daddy's hands are gentle enough for this little girl.
She dances for him in the living room, with her sister in twirl.
Because daddy's hands are big enough to hold your world.

Twenty one years old.
Her life is on It's way.
Daddy's a little older.
A bit more gray.
Still holds her when he can.
Though times a bit more rare.
But he'll always be that man...
With which no one can compare.

Because daddy's hands are still big enough to hold your world.
Daddy's hands are strong enough for this older girl.
She dances in his mind, with her sister in twirl.
And daddy's hands are still big enough to hold your world.
Daddy's hands will always hold your world.

I wish my hands were just like his.
I wish my hands could hold a world so lightly.
And yet hold a heart so tightly.........................

(For Jacklyn)

~Just Give Me Five Minutes~

Five minutes...
Just let me walk out your door.
And tred on your lawn.
Five minutes...
Just let me drive some more.
Now the feelings gone.

I stormed out mad...
And I said "I'm outtie!"
I stormed out mad...
Leaving you a little pouty.

Just give me five minutes...
And I'll drive a little, Call you back,
And apologize.
Because I just need five minutes...
To remind myself...
You're more precious then you realize.

All I want is five mintues...
To drive back, hold you and love you!
But all I get is 5 minutes...
To explain what I told you, and hug you.

Is my five mintues too much to ask?
Don't let me make you mad.
Let me in your life!
I could be the best you've ever had.

~Misery Loves My Company~

Crawl is such a sinful word,
Thats what I thought but never said.
It's such a sinful word to describe,
How you should never enter my bed.
I know you tried.
But you never succeded...
Just one thing in our relationship you never led.
But then again, I never heeded.

I can't lie,
It hurt me bad.
losing two friends...
Believe me, it makes you sad.
But I guess life's the greatest teacher...
Especially when you've been enpregnated by a preacher.
So you see...

Misery loves my company...
We've been 'round a few.
Heck we danced 'till three.
Even had a shot or two.
I've paid the fee.
It's the least I could do.
Even though It's sad to see...
Just how much misery loves my company.

In Oh Three I lost a friend,
And I threw a fit.
Now my hearts more broken,
As it tends to get.
I been 'round that same block,
Lost three more too.
Never even said goodbye...
But then again, who knew?

I've been in shock, been in tears,
Even been screaming.
But while these three years pass,
I get the feeling I'm only dreaming.
But the results on my life
Are sometimes more then I can bear to see.
Thats when I fully understand...
Just how much misery loves my company.

Misery loves my company...
We've been 'round a few.
Heck we danced 'till three.
Even had a shot or two.
I went ahead and paid the fee.
It's the least I could do.
And now It's so plain to see...
Just how much misery loves my company.

Nine years old!
I paid the price!
Been handed these words.
God knows I used this device!

I've had my field sown,
And I've reaped the tears.
That I've been prone
To cry these years.
But now I'm here smiling,
Without a hint of bitterness.
Because some day or another,
God will personally hand me my deliverance.

So you see...
Misery loves my company.
It's true I can't lie.
I've lost alot of things.
Had my heart sucked dry.
But God has filled my cup...
In time as equally.
So I'm still here smilin'.
Even when misery is in my company.

:Deliverance: (Bubba Sparxxx)

I've been travelin for some time
With my fishin pole and my bottle of shine
On these long dark dusty roads
Lookin there's nowhere to go
I guess I gotta hide away, far away
Cause I gotta find a way, to find my way
I gotta hide away, far away
Cause I gotta find a way, to find my way

I left off of mama's with my thumb in the wind
The leaves on the ground, winter's comin again
Solid on the surface as I crumble within
But legends are made out of honorable men
So on the brink of death I still manage livin life
Cause so rarely in this world are these chances given twice
I indeed sold my soul, without glancing at the price
No instructions when I was handed this device
But with what I did get, I was more than generous
Put others over self on several instances
But I'm back on my feet without a hint of bitterness
And one way or another I shall have deliverance
So I say

I've been travelin for some time
With my fishin pole and my bottle of shine
On these long dark dusty roads
Lookin there's nowhere to go
I guess I gotta hide away, far away
Cause I gotta find a way, to find my way
I gotta hide away, far away
Cause I gotta find a way, to find my way

~Love Story Of Another Year~

A new year before me.
And behind me the old.
I've paid my penance with sorrow.
But what have I in turn sold?
And why have I grown so cold?
And why is my dreams shattered and my life on hold?

If I could only keep you.
For one night.
Near to me...
I would hold you close.
Let you melt away my misery,
And burn your face in my memory.
So I could always see...
You're right by my side.
Even when the world turns on me,
And I just want to hide.
When I just want to hide.
____

In my worst days,
I think about your smile...
Just your smile makes my heart melt, and beat.
Just one thought can do that?
What an amazing feat!

Because just your smile is more beautiful then any thought I have ever thought.
More beautiful then anything I have ever sought.
More beautiful then Ohio with It's snow.
More beautiful then the mountains of Colorodo.
More beautiful then the leaves in the fall In D.C.
More beautiful then anything I could ever see.

Can you just fathom?
You're the most beautiful thing to me!

(I started to write this about something else but I suppose my mind was on another subject. :) give it up for the first poem of 2006. I guess this site's been awhile coming)

~One Smile Is Just Not Good Enough~

Undeserving...
I live my life in shame,
Rubbing two pennies together
Because I'd give up morals for mere fame.

I laugh at the posers and all the fakes.
Turn around, bust my sin,
And ask myself...
Who's really to blame for my mistakes?

And every day I see
I remind myself
Of that person I never wanted to be...
That all too familure "some body else"
I can't help but think that...
Because I misunderstood,
I'm becoming like those I said I never would.
I told them I never would.

I'd give an hour for 8 bucks,
And 3 bucks for a mile,
But God!...
I'd give 1 million dollars,
And my life...
For just one smile.

I wish all I wanted was just one smile.

~Frail~

Convinced of my deception,
I've always been a fool.
I fear this love reaction,
Just like you said I would.

But a rose could never lie,
About the love it brings.
And I could never promise,
To be any of those things.

If I was not so weak...
If I was not so cold...
If I was not so scared of being broken, growing old...
I would be...
I would be...
I would be...

Blessed are the shallow,
Depth they'll never find.
Seemed to be some comfort,
In rooms I try to hide.

Exposed beyond the shadows,
Take the cup from me.
Dirt removes my blindness,
And pain becomes my peace.

If I was not so weak...
If I was not so cold...
If I was not so scared of being broken, growing old...
I would be...
I would be...
I would be...

Frail.

(For the person who holds my morning conversations)
("Frail" by Jars of Clay)

Hymn :Jars Of Clay

1st verse:
Oh refuge of my hardened heart
Oh fast pursuing lover come
As angels dance 'round Your throne
My life by captured fare You own
Not silhouette of trodden faith
Nor death shall not my steps be guide
I'll pirouette upon mine grave
For in Your path I'll run and hide

Chorus:
Oh gaze of love so melt my pride
That I may in Your house but kneel
And in my brokenness to cry
Spring worship unto Thee

2nd verse:
When beauty breaks the spell of pain
The bludgeoned heart shall burst in vain
But not when love be pointed king
And truth shall Thee forever reign

[Chorus]

3rd verse:
Sweet Jesus carry me away
From cold of night, and dust of day
In ragged hour or salt worn eye
Be my desire, my well sprung lye

[Chorus x 2]
Spring worship unto Thee
Spring worship unto Thee

(I've known this song for a long time now... It's been so long since I have sang it though that I couldn't remember the words this morning. but for some reason God brought it to my attention that I needed to sing it. after meddling around for 5 minutes I finnaly got the tune but no words... 10 minutes later I had the chorus, and another 10 brought me the 2nd verse. I couldn't remember the rest until I clocked out and dug up the CD from my truck. After singing this a million and 4 times, the words in the 2nd verse have NEVER impacted me like they have this morning. and I've relized that I have never fully relized the meaning behind the 2nd verse. I can not praise God enough for relizing this. Worship is a beautiful thing!
Praise God!)

~El Niña~

I've paid the price.
Though all I got was lies.
I've paid the price.
To look into these eyes.

I would still you.
If you would let me be with you.
I would still you.
If you would let me see to you.

But all I see is happiness.
My eyes shame away.
You've knocked down every and last defense.
As my heart melts way.

If I took that step,
Would it turn into a fight?
Could I even take that step...
Though try as I might,

Because my hands are shaking so hard,
And my legs feel like paste.
Would this be a happy decision?
Or one to lay waste?

You are the only one my heart melts for!
I would die for you!
You are the only one I can show my weakness to.
I would change my life for you.
My biggest question is...
Could I give you the love your due?
Because you're due so much love.

No one means more to me then you,
You should know...
You've captured my curiosity,
And hold my love in tow.

You've gently held my heart.

~Track~

I have one mind,
And it won't stop thinking of one thought.
I have one mind,
And it won't stop thinking.
Making me sick...
Because I know I'd give up anything for safety.
Just for clarity in one persons life.
Two eyes, strands of hair, and one mind.
And I can't stop thinking.
Between creases digits tap away my thoughts.
In time lightly reddened doors will part...
And everything will spew forth.
Everything I've kept hidden for so long.
And I can't stop thinking.
I can't stop this thinking.

~Winter Sleep~

In winter heads do lay.
In wait for the day of may.
Grace is the thought of life.
Layers exposed to a knife.
Cut me open, Break my skin.
Expose my heart, hard as tin.
Smash it open, Let you in.
Fill this wound, No room for sin.

Winter rains down.
Snow from Heaven.
We're sleeping.
Dreaming.
And lost in our decay.
Another heart left to die,
Before reaching the month of may.
Let me stay. Let me stay.
So that I may.
Even now... I may.

Breath.
Slow.
Winter.
Snow.
laughs,
and Screams.
But the sun brightly gleams

Yellow light upon our face.
Do we squint to shut out this grace?
Yellow light upon our skin.
God save us from the shape we're all in.

~Boxing Rags; Full Of Blood~

How did I get here?
In the lonley you're never near.
I steal these words from another mans lips,
To show that I still know you with these quips.
But you're my stranger.
My empty chair.
The exact reason why I'm here and never there.
Between the feelings of being wanted and never had.
Between the reasons of never wanting... thats too bad.
I can't even write a song without you!
You're my breath, my water, my food to chew.
And I'm lost!
I'm so very lost.
So heres another elementary poem to replace your grace.
Another mixed up rhymn,
To fill this lonley time.
With no trace.
Of you.
No trace of you.

Can we never even aspire to dirty rags for you?
God one more... one more and I'll be lost forever.
Don't let me die with that word on your lips.
Don't let me die with the word "never".

These Boxing rags are full of blood.
Here's my dirty offering to you.
The cost of my life drips from every cotton strand.
The cost I've paid to recieve this brand.
The one that says I'm yours,
And sooner or later I'll be with you.

"Love you get over in two months,
Big love you get over in two years,
And great love,
Well great love... Changes your life."
...
"When great love is rejected something in a man dies."

~Angelica~
-Win a date with Tad Hamilton-

~Hero~

The world is tired of endless stories of sin,
life failing, and ultimately grace.
The world sighs as another man stands at the podium,
Only to profess how he lost face.
Grieve with me...
While we watch our strongest men fall to shame.
Grieve with me...
While we fill our fallen's list with another name.

It's not achievable we say.
It's not achievable, Christ will just have to pay.
And we believe that to this day...
We keep believing it 'till this day.

We need a hero to see.
To show us what we can be.
Remind me, Christ never died to die again.
Remind me, that we actually can be dead to our sin.

But no one can remind me,
Save for a hero... It's true.
No one can remind me.
So I'll be reminding you...

We need a hero,
Who has never dipped his hand in that bowl.
We need a hero.
God knows we need a hero.

(I see everyday, men who profess their sexual sin. And we accept it because God forgave it. I see preachers, pastors, deacons, and friends.
But where are the ones who have never fallen in that area?
Where are our hero's? The ones that show us "yes! It can actually be done!")